The first rule of pessimism: it can always get worse.

“Of two evils, choose neither.”

“Just because you love something doesn’t mean you can’t suck at it.”

Source: The Four Hour Workweek

“One of the problems with being a pessimist is that you can never celebrate when you are proven right.”

From: Townhall

“True optimist: A blind man who enters a dark room looking for a black cat that he knows isn’t there.”

1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”
2. “His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.”
3. “I would not allow this employee to breed.”
4. “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t-be.”
5. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
6. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”
7. “He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”
8. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
9. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
10. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
11. “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.”
12. “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.”
13. “A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”
14. “He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.”
15. “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”
16. “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”
17. “He’s been working with glue too much.”
18. “He would argue with a signpost.”
19. “He has a knack for making strangers immediately.”
20. “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”
21. “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”
22. “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”
23. “He has a photographic memory with the lens cap glued on.”
24. “A prime candidate for natural deselection.”
25. “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”
26. “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”
27. “Has two brains cells: one is lost and the other is out looking for it”
28. “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”
29. “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”
30. “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.”
31. “It’s hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.”
32. “One neuron short of a synapse.”
33. “Some drank from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”
34. “Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.”
35. “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”

“I believe I came from God, and you believe you came from a monkey, and you’ve convinced me you’re right.”

“We must not promise what we ought not, lest we be called on to perform what we cannot.”

“The long run is always shorter than we imagine.”

From: Seth’s Blog

“Insanity is relative. It depends on who has who locked in what cage.”

From: Crossderry Blog

“Nothing is less productive than to make more efficient what should not be done at all.”

“You don’t need to be motivated all the time…just at the right time.”

“When the facts change, I change my mind. What do you do, sir?”

“Nothing exists except atoms and empty space; everything else is opinion.”

From: Leica Birding Blog

“It doesn’t matter how beautiful your theory is, it doesn’t matter how smart you are. If it doesn’t agree with experiment, it’s wrong.”

“Patience is just procrastination without the anxiety.”

1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
2. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
3. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
4. The main reason that Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman “where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
6. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
7. If a deaf child signs swear-words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
8. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
9. Is there another word for synonym?
10. Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
11. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
12. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
13. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
14. Why do they lock gas-station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will break in and clean them?
15. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
16. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
17. If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
18. Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?
19. How do they get animals to cross the road only at those yellow road-signs?
20. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
21. One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
22. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
23. How is it possible to have a civil war?
24. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
25. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
26. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
27. Whose cruel idea was it for the word ‘lisp’ to have ‘s’ in it?
28. Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
29. Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
30. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
31. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
32. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?
33. Why do shops have signs ‘guide dogs only’? The dogs can’t read and their owners are blind.

From: Wicked Thoughts

“Every eighteen months, the minimum IQ necessary to destroy the world drops by one point.”

From: Schneier on Security