“Nothing exists except atoms and empty space; everything else is opinion.”
From: Leica Birding Blog
“It doesn’t matter how beautiful your theory is, it doesn’t matter how smart you are. If it doesn’t agree with experiment, it’s wrong.”
“If the texts seem incomprehensible, it is for the excellent reason that they mean precisely nothing.”
“Patience is just procrastination without the anxiety.”
- One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
- The main reason that Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
- I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman “where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
- What if there were no hypothetical questions?
- If a deaf child signs swear-words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
- If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
- Is there another word for synonym?
- Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
- What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
- If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
- Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
- Why do they lock gas-station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will break in and clean them?
- If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
- Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
- If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
- Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?
- How do they get animals to cross the road only at those yellow road-signs?
- What was the best thing before sliced bread?
- One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
- Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
- How is it possible to have a civil war?
- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
- If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
- Whose cruel idea was it for the word ‘lisp’ to have ‘s’ in it?
- Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
- Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
- Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
- If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
- Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?
- Why do shops have signs ‘guide dogs only’? The dogs can’t read and their owners are blind.
From: Wicked Thoughts
“Every eighteen months, the minimum IQ necessary to destroy the world drops by one point.”
From: Schneier on Security
“Immigration without assimilation is invasion.”
“Stupid people can cause problems, but it usually takes brilliant people to create a real catastrophe.”
“If a ‘real’ Republican is someone who toes the party line on a suicide mission, why be surprised that voters seek reality elsewhere?”
“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing — after they’ve tried everything else.”
From: The Patriot Post
“You’re free to discuss this as long as it does not lead to a conclusion other than mine.”
From: The American Spectator
“There is always an easy solution to every problem – neat, plausible, and wrong.”
- The biggest lie I tell myself is … “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
- Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!
- Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet!
- I don’t trip over things, I do random gravity checks!
- I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!
- Old age is coming at a really bad time!
- Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!
- I don’t have gray hair. I have “wisdom highlights.” I’m just very wise.
- My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
- Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.
- The kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please. I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes.”
- I’m going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I’ll do that second week.
- Even duct tape can’t fix stupid … but it can muffle the sound!
- Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just gonna transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?
- Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
- At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
From: Wicked Thoughts
“Sometimes the easiest way to solve a problem is to stop participating in the problem.”
- I’m not saying let’s go kill all the stupid people. I’m just saying let’s remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
- I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
- You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she’s probably pissed.
- Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers . Now they drink like their fathers.
- You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you’ve just met? That’s common sense leaving your body.
- I don’t like making plans for the day. Because then the word “premeditated” gets thrown around in the courtroom.
- I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.
- I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
- Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what’s your plan?
- Everyone has a right to be stupid once in a while. Yet some just abuse the privilege.
From: Wicked Thoughts
“If you can’t do something right, call it something different.”
From: Basic Instructions
“During times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act.”
“When the going gets tough just remember to Barium, Carbon, Potassium, Thorium, Astatine, Arsenic, Sulfur, Uranium, Phosphorus.”
“Impossible isn’t something that can’t be done. It’s just something that hasn’t been done before.”
“Don’t waste words on people who deserve your silence.”