Joke of the Day

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.”

She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.”

“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”

The man smiled and responded, “You must be a Democrat.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist. “But how did you know?”

“Well,” said the man, “You don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You’ve risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You’ve made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect ME to solve your problem. You’re in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now, it’s MY fault.

Quote of the Day — Mark Twain

“If you don’t read the newspaper, you’re uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you’re misinformed.”

Quote of the Day — William F. Buckley

“I’m not going to insult your intelligence by suggesting that you believe what you just said.”

Thought of the Day

The first rule of pessimism: it can always get worse.

Quote of the day — Charles H. Spurgeon

“Of two evils, choose neither.”

Ronald Reagan Quotes

“Evil is powerless if the good are unafraid.”

“The most dangerous myth is the demagoguery that business can be made to pay a larger share, thus relieving the individual. Politicians preaching this are either deliberately dishonest, or economically illiterate, and either one should scare us…
Only people pay taxes, and people pay as consumers every tax that is assessed against a business.”

“We cannot play innocents abroad in a world that is not innocent.”

“Peace is not the absence of conflict; it is the ability to manage conflict by peaceful means.”

“Of the four wars of my lifetime, none came about because the U.S. was too strong.”

“If the Soviet Union ever let another political party come into existence, they would still be a one-party state…because everybody would join the other party.”

“How do you tell a communist? He reads Lenin and Marx. And how do you tell an anti-communist? Someone who understands Lenin and Marx.”

“Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction; it’s not something we pass along in our bloodstream. It must be fought-for, protected, and passed-along for them to do the same.”

“Entrepreneurs and small businesses are responsible for almost all the economic growth in the United States.”

“If you can’t make them see the light, let them feel the heat.”

“They say the world has become too complex for simple answers… they are wrong.”

“The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government, and I’m here to help.”

“Recession is when your neighbor loses his job; a depression is when you lose yours.”

“Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement…”

From: The Reaganite INDEPENDENT

Quote of the Day — Mike Rowe

“Just because you love something doesn’t mean you can’t suck at it.”

Source: The Four Hour Workweek

Quote of the Day — Thomas Sowell

“One of the problems with being a pessimist is that you can never celebrate when you are proven right.”

From: Townhall

Quote of the Day

“True optimist: A blind man who enters a dark room looking for a black cat that he knows isn’t there.”

More performance evaluations

  1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”
  2. “His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.”
  3. “I would not allow this employee to breed.”
  4. “This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t-be.”
  5. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
  6. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”
  7. “He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”
  8. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
  9. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
  10. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
  11. “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.”
  12. “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.”
  13. “A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”
  14. “He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.”
  15. “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”
  16. “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”
  17. “He’s been working with glue too much.”
  18. “He would argue with a signpost.”
  19. “He has a knack for making strangers immediately.”
  20. “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”
  21. “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”
  22. “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”
  23. “He has a photographic memory with the lens cap glued on.”
  24. “A prime candidate for natural deselection.”
  25. “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”
  26. “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”
  27. “Has two brains cells: one is lost and the other is out looking for it”
  28. “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”
  29. “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”
  30. “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.”
  31. “It’s hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.”
  32. “One neuron short of a synapse.”
  33. “Some drank from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”
  34. “Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.”
  35. “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”

Quote of the Day — Dr. Ben Carson

“I believe I came from God, and you believe you came from a monkey, and you’ve convinced me you’re right.”

Quote of the Day — Abraham Lincoln

“We must not promise what we ought not, lest we be called on to perform what we cannot.”

Quote of the Day — Seth Godin

“The long run is always shorter than we imagine.”

From: Seth’s Blog

Quote of the Day — Ray Bradbury

“Insanity is relative. It depends on who has who locked in what cage.”

From: Crossderry Blog

Quote of the Day — Peter Drucker

“Nothing is less productive than to make more efficient what should not be done at all.”

Quote of the Day

“You don’t need to be motivated all the time…just at the right time.”

Quote of the Day — John Maynard Keynes

“When the facts change, I change my mind. What do you do, sir?”

Quote of the Day — Steve Howell

“Nothing exists except atoms and empty space; everything else is opinion.”

From: Leica Birding Blog

Quote of the Day — Richard Feynman

“It doesn’t matter how beautiful your theory is, it doesn’t matter how smart you are. If it doesn’t agree with experiment, it’s wrong.”

Quote of the Day — Alan Sokol

“If the texts seem incomprehensible, it is for the excellent reason that they mean precisely nothing.”